Processing Emotions during Tragedy

I have been struggling with what or if to write anything about the ongoing tragedies facing children, black people, non-able-bodied folx, and LGBTQIA+ in our country. I only know that I find solace in the words of others. And given my work as a somatic leadership coach and writer, I have words and practices to share that build emotional capacity and provide access to your body’s inherent wisdom.

Our work with leaders and teams in organizations and the courses we teach are based on the principles that the conscious practice and application of skills are critical to change, and discomfort is essential to building emotional capacity.

When tragedy strikes, I feel overwhelmed with emotion. My feelings have a pile-on party. I feel every feeling I have ever felt all at once. I also have many needs that are in hiding under my go-to response of “do something now!” You may have a different go-to response. Do you know what that is? Underneath your response are layers of unmet needs.

At times like this, I rely on a practice that builds my emotional literacy and capacity. I sort through my feelings and needs using GROK Cards.

We — our business and family — use these cards regularly: several times when Neil fell off the cliff and during tough family conversations. Neil and I bring GROK cards into organizations to sort through difficult subjects around gender and race and to initiate generative conversations. We use the feelings and needs lists in meetings as a quick reference while working with the mush separator.

GROK Cards provide words. As words are in short supply when overwhelmed, the list helps me and others name feelings and needs in moments of intensity or complexity.

Naming settles your nervous system (Marshall Rosenberg 1999 and Brené Brown 2021). It brings clarity to the conversation. I cannot judge myself or you anymore as you and I both feel and need. This brings us together on common ground.

Though these cards are simple and unbelievably settling, people resist them.

Why?

It is vulnerable to name what you need and feel. Naming reveals and releases what is underneath the presenting emotion which is most often sadness and its somatic partner — tears.

If you are overwhelmed with feelings, tears are a release of emotion. The expression of anger through words or gestures is also a release of emotion.

Tears draw others in. People wonder and ask, ”What’s wrong? How can I support you?”

Anger pushes people away. Very few people want to walk toward an angry person. Many people want to support someone in tears.

Anger is an important emotion. No less or more important than sadness, just different and often misused when a person is overwhelmed.

Whatever emotion you choose to express has the power to generate a sensation that sparks emotion and action in others. If you feel anger, others will match your anger. If you feel sadness, others’ bodies will respond in kind. This is the function of your mirror neurons.

In the book The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise, Martin Prechtel, a fabulous storyteller, speaks about grief. In villages of Guatemala, where he lived for many years, people would contain the bereaved for around a week, maybe three weeks. They would cry and wail together. People would keep tabs on the grieving and feed them.

They knew that if they left this person alone with their grief, anger would likely consume and inspire them to act out in vengeance, build a coalition to seek retribution, or take their own life.

As we collectively process the tragedy of another school shooting, I encourage you to notice, name, and feel your feelings and share your needs. Be witnessed in your sadness or grief. Learn what is underneath your anger.

Sharing your feelings and needs builds community and connection. It forms solidarity between people that were before separate — even when we are in the same family system or organization.

If this is not a common practice, it will be hard. Start with yourself. Name what you feel and need. See below for a practice I taught my children and teach my clients.

If this practice feels out of reach, and the only emotion that arises is anger, it is essential that you build emotional literacy as there is likely a lot of grief and other emotions misrepresented as anger.

This bears repeating again. Anger is valid and necessary. In fact, anger is essential. Yet anger, with unprocessed underlying feelings and needs is like a wildfire that consumes you and all in its path until the snow or rain falls (this mention of water is a metaphor for tears).

If you are uncertain of the necessity of tears or have a hard time conjuring them, invite perspective. Tears are your body’s emotional cleanser. After tears, the clean and accountable burn of anger is always more impactful.

May the following practice be of benefit:

You may use GROK Cards if you have them. If not, print these lists and circle, write down, or pull ALL the feelings and needs words that apply to you. Yes, all.

If you believe there are too many feelings and needs, check your judgment and continue. A lot of feelings and needs mean there is a lot of them to sort through. You are not broken. You are in the process of healing.

If there are many people, each person takes a turn.

Sort your pile or list into three categories:

1.) immediate feelings and needs for this event or moment,

2.) pervasive feelings and needs for this time period, and

3.) life-long feelings and needs — you cannot remember ever not having these.

Feel the breath in your body. Sense its rhythm. Notice what you see.

As you look at this collection of words, name how you feel right now. Use your hands to point to or pick up the word that represents how you feel. If this word is not present, choose another word.

This physical practice is a somatic acknowledgment of your feelings. Do the same for your needs as you look at these words.

You have taken a step toward emotional literacy and building your emotional capacity.

If it helps, here are the feelings and needs words that came up for me during this last week of tragedy:

Feelings:

Now: furious, confused, lonely, shocked, and sad.

Pervasive: worried, disappointed, resentful, discouraged, and overwhelmed.

Life-long: concerned and tender.

Needs:

Now: clarity, rest, and mourning.

Pervasive: friendship and effectiveness.

Life-long: to be heard, power in my world, community, and freedom.

As I look at this list, I feel settled, and I need celebration. Settled that I feel clarity about what I feel and need. And celebration for taking the time to acknowledge and presence myself to the now.

If you need help sorting through what comes up, invite perspective. You are not alone.